The husband said: "Why do you keep talking about my past mistakes? I thought you had already forgiven and forgotten.”
The wife said: "Indeed, I have forgiven and forgotten. But I want to make sure that you don’t forget that I have forgiven and forgotten.”
Can You Get Married in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him and St. Peter said: "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out”. And he left.
The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. They wondered: "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck together forever?”
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. He informed them: "Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple said: "Great! But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
The frightened couple asked: "What's wrong?”
St. Peter shouts: "Oh, come on! It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”
There was this pastor who had a bad week. One Sunday, he was very frustrated and he began his homily: "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways.”
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder but the man continued to laugh.
So the pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He answered: "Because I don't belong to this parish!”
Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him and healed his leg.
Further down the road, Jesus came upon a blind man, had compassion on him and healed him.
A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. And, the man cried out in agony: "I'm a pastor!”
Jesus sat down beside him and put his arm around him.............. and cried too.
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor and the other a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately, the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching it, they found out that it was dead but it had only one bullet hole. Thus, a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.
Five minutes later, a police officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them that he’d take a look and tell them who shot it.
Five seconds later, he said that he knew who shot the buck; and he said it with much confidence: "The pastor shot the buck!”
They all wondered how he knew so quickly and the officer said: "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”
There was an old-time riding preacher found himself in need of money and so he decided to sell his horse. As he completed the deal, he said to the buyer: “This is not an ordinary horse. Since he had been owned and driven by a man of the cloth all his life, this horse does not respond to the commands of whoa or giddy-up. When you want this horse to stop you must say AMEN; and when you want him to go, you must say PRAISE THE LORD!”
Later that day, the buyer decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he was. While trotting down the road, the horse was startled by a snake and bolted. Wildly, they headed across a field full speed toward a cliff.
In a panic, the poor man was shouting WHOA, STOP when he remembered the preacher’s instructions and let out a loud AMEN! When he did that, the horse stopped just at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, the man wiped his brow and said: PRAISE THE LORD.
A young priest was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The priest started early but he got himself lost, making several wrong turns. So he arrived a half-hour late and the hearse was nowhere in site and the workmen were already eating lunch.
The priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. He took out his book and he read the prayers. But as he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen said: "Maybe we’d better tell him it’s a septic tank.”
Two priests went to Hawaii for vacation and decided that they’d make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they went to a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she turned to them, smiled and said: "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. They were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father; good morning, Father” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said: “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests and proud of it but I have to know; how in the world did you know?”
She said: "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn”.
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack.
The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.
St. Peter said: "I did the best with the money you sent us.”
The pastor who was an avid golfer was once taking part in a local golf tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
The organizer said: "Father, I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us.”
The pastor shook his head and said: "Sorry. I'm in sales, not in management!”
A priest awoke one morning to find a dead horse in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but he knew he had to get rid of it.
So, he called the sanitation department, the health department and several other agencies; but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the priest called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day and said: "Why bother me? You’re a priest; it’s your job to bury the dead.”
The priest lost his cool and he snapped: "Yes; but I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.”
The pastor stood before the congregation and said: "I have bad news, I have good news and I have more bad news.” The congregation got quiet.
Then, the pastor said: "First, the bad news is: the church needs a new roof!” The congregation groaned.
The pastor continued: "Well, the good news is we have enough money for the new roof.” A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the congregation.
The pastor concluded: "But the bad news is: the money is still in your pockets.”
Father Bob was a great preacher and much loved by his congregation. He visited the sick and he preached great sermons. However, Father Bob always left town at two in the afternoon and was gone for one hour everyday.
Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Father Bob's curious schedule and they began to ask questions. They went to the Parish Council with their concerns. "Could Father Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?”
Unsure of what to do and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the dean but he didn't want to touch it. So they went to the bishop.
Finally after prayer and deliberation, the bishop went to Father Bob and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the bishop to join him at two that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After sitting there quietly for some time, a beautiful silver train streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the bishop and said: "Isn't that a beautiful sight?”
The bishop agreed: "Yes, that is a beautiful sight; and is this where you come every afternoon?”
Father Bob said: "Yes, I come here to be inspired. It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!”
Two men were marooned on an island. One man walked back and forth, worried and scared, while the other man just sat back and was sunning himself.
The first man said to the other man: “Aren’t you afraid that we are about to die.”
The other man said: "No. You see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My pastor will find me.”
A news reporter went to heaven and he saw 2 lines of men. Over one line was a sign that read: "for men who were dominated by their wives"; and it was a hundred mile long. The other line had a different sign over the doorway that read: "for men who dominated their wives" but there was only one man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man who was all by himself and said: "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "men who dominated their wives?”
The man said: "I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his life on earth: people swept him with broom; he had nowhere to sleep, etc. So God tells him that he’s going to make his life very comfortable in heaven.
The following day, 6 mice came to heaven. They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth: how they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. So God tells them that he'll make their life comfortable. And, they ask God if he could give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do much walking or running anymore. So God granted their request, fitting them with skates.
A week later, God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat said: "Oh wonderful; and those meals on wheels that you sent me are delicious!”
3 friends died and they all went to heaven at the same time. St. Peter met them at the gates and said to one of them: “Welcome to heaven! Here is your reward.”
After saying that, St. Peter immediately handcuffed the 1st man to an extremely unattractive woman. The man asked: "Why is this my heavenly reward?”
St. Peter said: “Well, when you were five you killed a bird with a stone.”
St. Peter then turned to the 2nd man and he did the same thing for the same reason. He was asked the same question and answered the same.
Finally, he turned to the 3rd man and said: "Welcome to heaven! Here is your reward.”
The 3rd man was immediately handcuffed to a beautiful girl. Extremely happy, the man walked off.
The other two men, who saw what their friend’s fate was, were outraged. So they asked: "How come he got a beautiful girl and we were stuck with these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!”
St. Peter said: "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone.”
A very wealthy man decided to prove that the quote "you can't take it with you” is all wrong.
So before he died, he requested that his gold be buried with him. And, sure enough after his death, he found himself in heaven along with his gold. He was so excited that he had actually taken his gold with him.
So he went up to St. Peter to enter the gates and said: "Look at this, you can take it with you.”
St. Peter looked at the gold in the man’s hand and asked: "Why would you want to bring pavement with you?” (Heaven’s streets are paved with gold)
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were 2 of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the San Francisco Giants victory earlier in the evening; but he died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. Earl asked: "Bob is that you?”
Bob replied: “Of course it’s me”.
Earl exclaimed: "This is unbelievable! So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
Bob said: "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you; which do you want to hear first?”
Earl said: "Tell me the good news first.”
Bob said: "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
Earl said: "Oh, that’s wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
Bob said: "You're pitching tomorrow night.”
3 friends died in a car crash and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, each was asked with a question by St. Peter.
St. Peter asked: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The 1st guy said: "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”
The 2nd guy said: "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy said: "I’d like to hear them say: LOOK! HE'S MOVING!”
A 90-year-old couple, having been married for almost 75 years, died in a car accident. They had been in good health, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which had a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
St. Peter said: "It's free. Remember, this is heaven.”
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They’d have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked: "What are the green fees?”
St. Peter said: "This is heaven. You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. The old man asked: "How much to eat?”
St. Peter said: "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven. It's free!”
The old man asked timidly: "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?”
St. Peter said: "Oh, that's the best part! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said: “You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
A man from Alaska went on a summer vacation to Florida and was waiting for his wife to come several days to join him. So he tried to e-mail her to remind her. But he messes up. Instead, his e-mail gets to a preacher's wife whose husband died the day before. The message says: "Having fun but it’s hot down here. I can’t wait for your arrival here soon.”
Length of a Sermon
Question: How long should a good sermon be?
Answer: It should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested